Contrary to popular belief, and the media’s interpretation of authors, being an author is no walk in the park. Sure, seeing your books on shelves is nice and all, but no one ever seems to talk about how we’re struggle-bussing through life… until today.
My fellow authors, in the same vein of my previous post, 12 Comebacks for Writers You’ll Wish You Could Say Out Loud, here is my gag-reel of #authorproblems I refer to as The Big, Bad List of Author Struggles. Are these serious, or not? Well… only authors can accurately guess. 😛
Authors VS the “Health Experts”
A truth universally acknowledged by authors: Writing a book takes a heap of brainpower, fueled by caffeine.
Self Proclaimed “Health Expert” Friend of the Author: Don’t drink so much caffeine! It’s so bad for you.
Author: It doesn’t just help me write. It keeps me sane. And non-violent. *Eye twitches with the temptation to hit the Caffeine Disser*
Millions VS Cricket Silence
Random Person: Oh, you write books? I bet you make millions!
Author: Not exactly.
Person: Oh, yeah. That’s because no one reads anymore.
Author: *Trying not to lose it, thinking why the heck would you assume I’m making millions if you also assume no one reads?
Inconsistent Word Counts
It’s either big bursts of inspiration that lead to writing thousands of words in one sitting, or taking five hours to crank out a five-word sentence. There is no in-between.
Script Writers Assume We Live in a Fantasy World
The way authors are portrayed in made-for-TV movies just makes actual authors want to gag… and seriously question the script writer’s sanity. Like, you’re supposedly one of us, and you choose to portray us as perky, happy-go-lucky, and always full of perfect prose that never needs editing? You know nothing.
“Write a trilogy,” they said.
“I suddenly have no coherent ideas left,” the author replies, halfway through the third book.
Cute Little Plot Bunnies
All the current plot bunnies for future books keep multiplying like actual rabbits, and it’s making you hate your current WIP for holding you back.
Coffee Shops Gone Wrong
Writing in public sounds romantic and all, until the baby three tables over is letting out a wail of Aguilerian proportions every two seconds, you’ve spilled coffee on yourself twice, and you really have to pee, but don’t want to leave your laptop alone on the table.
Becoming Overly-Attached to Office Supplies
Person: This pen’s out of ink. I’m throwing it out.
Author: *Tackles person* I wrote my first manuscript with that pen. That pen is my brother. That pen is in my will. It’s getting the house when I pass away.
Too Tight for the Typewriter
You love the aesthetic of a typewriter, but those things are, like, ‘spensive, so you settle for your old laptop with the chicken nugget grease stains and the sticky keys instead.
Wanting Attention VS Actual Attention
Author: Ugh, it would be so amazing if someone would mention my book on Instagram or YouTube. I feel like I’m beating a dead horse being the only one posting anything about it.
*Someone posts something about their book*
Author: Oh, this is painfully awkward. They actually read my book.
To Buy, Or Not To Buy
*Down the stationary aisle* Author: These notebooks are ADORABLE, but I already have, like, fifty at home.
Inner monologue: But, if I buy more, it will inspire me to write more. *Buys three more*
*Author goes home, and writes on the computer*
Who You Callin’ Cray-Cray?!
Friend/Family Member to Another Person: Oh, you’ll have to excuse [insert Author’s name here]. They’re an author. You know they can be a little touched. *makes cuckoo sign*
Author: Authors aren’t crazy. Why do so many people assume we’re crazy?
*Author returns home to write, loudly dictating dialogue in different accents, while laughing intermittently for no apparent reason*
IDK, Man. IDK.
Person: So, what’s your book about?
*Author’s brain short circuits*
I Dream of Ground-Breaking Literary Ideas
*Author wakes from a dead sleep. Grabs a notebook and pen*
Author: Ooh! Brilliant idea! Must write down this best-seller!
The Actual Idea: A butterfly who wears oven mitts. His name is Alejandro. And he likes to sky dive.
The Pain in Our Butts
Conflicting Career Aspirations
Kinda want to do international book tours. Kinda want to be a hermit like the author in Nim’s Island.
When Characters Attack
That inevitable, yet terrifying time when your characters go full DoodleBob (from SpongeBob SquarePants) on you and wreck every plan you had for your book by doing their own thing.
You Know What? Never Mind.
When you were wanting to use a certain name for a future character, but then you meet someone with that name who completely ruins it with their annoying personality.
The “Lazy” Stigma
*Author works on WIP or marketing from their desk all day*
*Family member walks in*: Have you even moved today?
Everybody Thinks They’re a Writer
The 50th Person Who Has Said the Following This Year Alone: You know, I’ve always wanted to write a book. It can’t be that hard.
Author: *Almost pops a vein in their neck trying to hold back sarcastic comments* Cool beans.
The Weird Comparison
Friend/Family Member to Random Acquaintance: You should read [insert Author’s name here]’s books. She writes just like [insert name of author who writes not only for a different age group, but for a different genre altogether].
Identifying Too Much With Your Main Character…
Feeling like every main character you’ve ever written is an Author Insert from one of your seventeen personalities. XD
The struggle is real, y’all. The struggle is real. 😛
Talk to Me, Arrowheads!
How did you like that random brain dump of authorisms? XD Do you have some of your own? Drop them in the comments to keep the laughter flowing! 🙂
Aim high, stay strong, and always hit your mark.