Hey there, Arrowheads!

I had a different blog post planned for today but decided to go another route instead. I’ve had something on my mind lately that I need to vent about, and I feel that it’s something a lot of other women in their mid-20s or above may relate to as well.

Trigger warnings: In this post, I’ll be mentioning both my own mindset pitfalls towards having children in the future, how I feel judged by others for not having kids yet due to something that happened recently, as well as the struggles and complications married couples can potentially face when trying to have children (not my own struggles, but how the struggles of others have impacted my mindset, and how I feel empathy for those who have been through traumatic events like those).

First, let me give you the series of events of what inspired me to write this post.

Several months ago, either at the end of 2022 or beginning of 2023, I expressed my desire to maybe become a mother this year.

No, this isn’t a pregnancy announcement, so let me stop any excitement right there. Remember, this is a venting post.

Instead of welcoming in a baby this year, 2023 started out with me having crippling anxiety about the possibility of becoming a mother. I had extreme medical anxiety during the first few months of the year due to some pain I was in for around eight months (that is now gone, thank God!), which didn’t help my mindset on becoming a mother at all. I’m already super squeamish and already don’t like going to the doctor, so thinking something was seriously wrong with me for all those months made me even more anxious about possibly having kids.

During this time, two of my family members were also going through/dealing with the aftermath of complicated pregnancies. Both babies are now doing great, thank God, but what the women faced during these times terrified me. I also know several other women who have had miscarriages or lost their children in other ways recently, and all of those cases have been weighing on my mind.

Then, by the time the pain subsided and my mindset was getting better about possibly having a baby (which came about after knowing both of the aforementioned babies were doing great and meeting my best friend’s baby for the first time over the summer), I realized my sister’s wedding is coming up. I admitted to my husband that I didn’t want to be pregnant around that time, because I don’t want to take the spotlight off of her and, if there will be any pregnancy complications, that way they won’t interfere with her wedding events. So, now we’re waiting until after that.

And the main reason I’m so worried about all this is that I’m on the verge of 30, and my husband will be 32 soon. Our ages make me super anxious about the possibility of having kids as well. Part of me is mad at myself for being so scared to have a baby when we first got married (late 2021), while another part of me is still scared, and the other third knows this is all God’s plan and that any suffering will be worth it when I see that smiling little baby at the end of all this overthinking. My parents had me when they were around our ages, so I know it’s possible. I’m just scared of how I’ll react if it isn’t.

If you can’t tell by now, I’m a planner and am always thinking of what the worst-case scenarios could be. It’s something I need to continually pray about and ask Jesus to help me overcome. It’s been hard to deal with, because I’ve been like this all my life. Prayers are appreciated for a permanent mindset shift.

Now, let’s talk about the reason this post has been on my heart: the judgment childless couples inevitably receive from others. Because it’s real, y’all. And it HURTS.

As I mentioned, I’ve already been judging myself for not being able to stop overthinking and just embrace the process of becoming a mother. What I didn’t expect, however, is how much judgment other people would cast out because I’m a childless, almost 30-year-old married woman.

Naturally, my husband and I get asked the “when are y’all having kids?” question a lot. Normally, we can just brush it off and say we’re waiting or something. But sometimes people take it way too far and seek to make you feel like dirt for not having a kid yet.

Recently, at a family member’s birthday party, a former classmate that I hadn’t seen in years was there with his family. This was not someone I have talked to in recent years, nor someone that I talked to when we were in school. I was extremely shy growing up, and only had a few friends. This dude was not one of them, by a long shot. So imagine my embarrassment, and horror, as he spent the next two hours repeatedly pointing out the fact that my husband and I don’t have kids yet. Loudly. In front of everyone.

How we “shouldn’t wait until we can afford it”, like that’s the issue.

How we’ve been together for a total of seven years dating and almost two married, so what’s the hold up? (The “hold up” being that we waited for marriage, as God’s word instructs us, which isn’t a hold up at all).

How we’re missing out because we don’t have kids yet, like he was judging us, thinking we don’t want kids at all.

On, and on, and on. Literally, for two hours. If the room’s conversation strayed to another topic, he did his best to circle back to the fact that we’re older and don’t have kids, while he repeatedly bragged about having kids in his early twenties.

I’ve never wanted to punch someone more in my life.

Thankfully, the Holy Spirit put a muzzle on me and kept me grounded on that couch.

But I sobbed when I got home.

Now you may be thinking that’s an overly dramatic reaction, and shoot, you may be right. But I wasn’t crying just for me, but for all the couples who are assaulted with ignorant disrespect like this on the daily who have been through much worse than we have.

This dude hurt me because he was making assumptions about my husband and I for not having kids simply because we’re waiting until we’re ready. He didn’t know our situation or reasons for waiting. Imagine if he had done the same thing to a couple who have been through much worse than we have.

Imagine the hurt of couples who are childless because of repeated miscarriages. Stillbirths. Infertility. Horrific pasts. They receive judgment for being childless too. And it needs to stop.

Anyone who asks couples “when are you having kids?” or “are you pregnant yet?” may think they’re just making conversation, but in reality, you don’t know how much those “simple questions” can put a couple into a downward mental spiral. How many tears that couple may shed because they simply can’t have kids. How they already feel inadequate among others their age because “everyone else” is a mother or father and they no longer feel like they relate to them (I’m already at this point.). How they feel cheated because so many neglectful and deadbeat parents can have as many kids as they want, while they, who would be excellent parents who appreciate their kids, can’t.

So, my point with this whole post is this: please just stop asking couples when they are having kids. You don’t know what they are going through. That question could ruin their day, so simply do not ask it. Show them kindness and compassion instead. This world needs more of that.

That’s all for now, Arrowheads!

Well, this was a vastly different post from what I had planned, but I’ve been stewing on these thoughts for a couple weeks and needed to get them out. I apologize for any typos or awkward sentences; I wrote this hastily today and attempted to proofread it twice, but may have missed some things.

I pray this post makes someone feel seen, and if you’re dealing with any of the scenarios I mentioned, I’m praying that God will comfort you. Give your broken heart over to Him, piece by piece, friend. Only He has the ability to heal it. Just like He’s healing mine.

Aim high, stay strong, and always hit your mark.

-Allyson 😀