Experiencing grief is brutal in and of itself, but sometimes, I think grief can be harder on Christians than what those who share our faith realize. As someone who is currently enduring a season of grief, I pray that this can help the Christian community learn how to better love our neighbors through hard times.

Do Visit and Be There for Them

The best thing the Church can do for our fellow believers is to be there for families when their loved ones pass away. I’m not suggesting you spend hundreds of dollars catering food, even though cooking for the family is a nice gesture. I’m not recommending you collect funds to pay for the funeral, unless there is a dire financial situation where a family can’t afford to pay for it. What I’m referring to is simply visiting with the family, offering to pray with them rather than making a (sometimes empty, because we’ll get busy and forget to do it) promise to pray for them, and basically shouldering them while they’re grieving. I don’t care if the loss is in their immediate family or their extended family; if they’re hurting, be there for them. Personally, my relationship with God is the rockiest when He allows someone I love to pass away, and if our brothers and sisters in Christ would step up, do the hard thing, and be a shoulder to cry on during the trials we face, maybe mourners wouldn’t end up struggling with God as much as they often do. Maybe if we see that God’s church cares enough about us to be there, then we’ll see and know that He sees and cares for us too despite it not always feeling that way.

Don’t Assume Others Will Be There for Them

Under no circumstances assume that a mourning Christian family will have plenty of support to get them through this time of devastation and loss just because they belong to a church. I’ll be the first to tell you, the Church fails miserably at this sometimes. I recently experienced this and dealt with church hurt on top of intense grief. After a couple weeks I did end up speaking to my pastors about how I was disappointed with the way the church handled the news of my family member’s passing. I forgave them and the church for not being attentive to my family during our grieving period, but that doesn’t mean that the hurt from feeling forgotten goes away immediately. My family was not alone during our time of grief (we had family and my deceased loved one’s church surrounding us) but we as Christians are supposed to be brothers and sisters in Christ to one another. When our brothers and sisters choose to not be there for us, it can not only feel like our fellow believers have forsaken us but that God has too. Not only that, but you don’t know how much the Church’s presence can also minister to members of the family who may not know Jesus. It speak volumes if the Church is present… and if it’s not. When the Church is not present, it may give nonbelievers even more reason to avoid anything to do with God. So please, Church, be there for your fellow believers when they’re experiencing loss, no matter who they’ve lost. If you see that they’re hurting, don’t brush it off for someone else to deal with. You never know how much they may need you.

Do Provide a Listening Ear

While some people choose to isolate and do not want to talk through their grief with others, some of us need to hash it out with someone we can trust. I am beyond thankful to have had my husband, my sister, and our older cousin to talk to when our uncle passed away earlier this year. While my husband didn’t experience the same caliber of grief that my sister, cousin, and I were experiencing over our uncle, he was an amazing listening ear because he knows firsthand how devastating loss is after losing his momma a few years ago. On the other hand, my sister, our cousin, and I all shared the same relationship with our uncle, who had no kids of his own but treated us like we were his. We shared stories and fond memories about him. We expressed our thoughts and feelings about his passing, often with one of us having an emotional breakdown and the other two hugging them through it. All of us are Christians, so we heard one another out, talked through the church hurt I mentioned above, and all shared the understanding that we will see our uncle again in Heaven, but that it’s hard to do life without him now. So, after dumping all this personal experience on you, the takeaway is that when we as Christians are actively being there for fellow believers who are grieving, sometimes we just need to sit with them and listen to what they have to say so they can get some of their grief out of their system.

Don’t Offer Unsolicited Advice

Everyone grieves differently, so I can’t speak for all Christians when I say this, but something that would have better helped me personally when I lost a loved one a couple months ago would have been my fellow Christians being there for me without offering unsolicited advice. When I say “unsolicited advice” I mean spouting those placating statements like “they’re better off now” or “you know they’re not hurting anymore” after seeing that the person who is grieving is visibly upset. Placating statements may help some grievers who know that their family member was saved and is now with Jesus, but for me, especially, they feel like generic blanket statements that are thrown over a conversation to make the tears stop flowing. Personally, I believe the people who say these things mean well, but those statements don’t always make grievers feel better. In fact, people who say these things sometimes make me feel like they see me as selfish for being upset over a loss because, “oh, they’re better off”, and why would I want them to be back here when they’re experiencing such joy and healing in Heaven? I may be alone in thinking this way, but I don’t think I am. Therefore, be a listening ear instead. Let the ones who are mourning tell you how they feel and don’t feel the need to “correct” their grieving process in any way.

Do Offer to Pray with Them

In all honesty, sometimes when Christians go through tough times, we simply don’t want to pray or feel that we can’t. Sometimes, especially if we’ve been praying for situations to improve and the opposite happens, even though we know we need to keep praying, we’ll feel like we can’t for fear that those prayers will also bring forth pain. A mourning Christian may not be in a place spiritually where talking to God feels safe, so offering to pray with them can help bridge that gap between them and God and show them that God can still be trusted and that He’s good even when life isn’t.

Don’t Offer to Pray for Them and Not Follow Through

In closing, a huge pet peeve of mine is when you request prayer or mention that you’re going through a dark time in your life and people will: 1) Say “I’ll pray for you” but don’t actually do it, or 2) If they’re corresponding online or over text, just send you a prayer emoji, like emojis are capable of offering any emotional or spiritual support at all. Please, I’m begging you, do not be that person. If a Christian, or a nonbeliever for that matter, is being vulnerable enough with you to ask for prayer or tell you how hard their life currently is in the midst of grief, don’t just tell them you’ll pray eventually. Pray with them right then and there. If it’s online or over text, pray for them in that moment and tell them you just prayed for them. Like when writing a good story, show them you care rather than tell them you care. It’ll impact them so much more than you realize.

Talk to Me, Arrowheads!

This is a brutally honest post, but one that I pray will help us as Christians realize that we need to step up and support our fellow believers who are enduring grief. If you can think of any other ways that we can support Christians during times of grief, drop them in the comments!

Aim high, stay strong, and always hit your mark.

-Allyson 😀