As someone who witnessed first-hand how much damage a narcissist can do to a loved one years ago, like Katie Oliver in my next release, On the Flip Side, I learned the hard way what not to say to someone who is in a toxic relationship. It was an extremely painful period of my life, as the narcissist isolated my loved one from everyone who loved them and, as a result, caused friction between me and my loved one to the point where we barely spoke to one another.

After years of prayer, by the grace of God, my loved one’s relationship with the narcissist ended and they are now happily married to someone who treats them much better. I’m grateful to God for allowing beauty to come from ashes, but back when it was happening, I’d be lying if I said I knew my loved one would make it out unscathed. If you’re currently in a similar situation, watching a loved one date (or remain married to) someone who constantly belittles them, abuses them, or engages in illegal or immoral activity that harms your loved one and have no idea how to talk to them anymore, this post is for you.

Author’s Note: Please keep in mind that I do not have a degree in psychology, nor am I a mental health professional. I am simply writing from my own experiences. My advice may not work for every situation, but this is what worked for me or how I believe I could’ve handled the situation from my past better.

Don’t Approach the Subject from a Bold, Logical Standpoint

Logically speaking, we who have witnessed the toxicity in our loved one’s relationship know in our hearts that their significant other is a bad person at best and dangerous at worst; however, it will take time for our loved one to see it for themselves.

As I mentioned before, one of the hallmarks of a toxic relationship is constant manipulation. Manipulation often involves brainwashing the victim into believing that they cannot and will not make it on their own without their abuser. It doesn’t matter how many times their abuser has called them derogatory names, projected their own shortcomings onto them, or physically abused them. In the victim’s eyes, their abuser is on a pedestal, often due to the love-bombing they were showered with at the beginning of the relationship. For a while, things were incredible. But, as time passed, the mask slowly falls. The victim, because of the manipulation, is convinced they are the ones who caused the abusive behavior, and therefore they tend to discredit anyone who speaks out against the abuser’s actions.

For example, in the height of my loved one’s toxic relationship, because I was around both my loved one and their abuser a lot, I would boldly call out the abuser’s actions in front of both of them. Though I thought I was doing the right thing in trying to protect my loved one, thinking that they’d understand where I’m coming from, it had the opposite effect. Instead of my loved one pulling away from their abuser, they instead pulled away from me for treating their significant other “so poorly”. In my mind, the victim’s thinking was a hundred percent illogical. I couldn’t understand how they couldn’t see how poorly their significant other was treating them, and why they were making me out to be the bad guy when I was speaking up out of love for them.

Instead, Do Approach the Victim with Gentleness

While I still believe speaking up for my loved one was the right thing to do, the way I went about it was not the way I should’ve handled it. I spoke brazenly, often with an angry tone, which worked to the abuser’s advantage. You see, as part of their manipulation tactics, narcissists will often manufacture sob stories to appeal to their victim’s empathetic sides. For example, if I called out the abuser on a hole in their story, my loved one took that as me being cruel, considering all their significant other had been through. This is why, in hindsight, I wish I had tried to approach the subject with my loved one alone, with gentleness, rather than going full James and John seconds after the incidents occurred.

Though I didn’t realize it at the time, there is a way for us to still offer protection for our loved ones from a toxic relationship without bringing out our negative side. Rather than fussing to them about how terrible their significant other is, we could offer the victim refuge from the relationship. If they get in a fight and need a shoulder to cry on, we can be that for them. If they bring up how their significant other acts at times (like hinting at name-calling, derogatory remarks, etc.), discuss it with them and remind them that biblical love (see 1 Corinthians 13:4-7) doesn’t involve those actions. Again, don’t speak negatively about their abuser (even though I know how difficult that can be). Remind them that they are loved by their family and friends outside of their toxic relationship. This, in turn, will help you retain a positive relationship with your loved one and will hinder their toxic significant other from isolating you from them further.

Don’t Approach the Narcissist Alone

This is a big no-no.

It’s tempting, I know, to let them have it if you catch them alone. To let them know you’re wise to their schemes and that you’re doing your best to out them.

The sad reality is that it never works out like you think it will.

The narcissist will tell your loved one a different story. They’ll say you verbally attacked them “out of nowhere” and question your mental health. Your loved one, since they have no context of the true intentions behind your words, will believe them. They’ll question your sanity and it’ll cause a greater divide in your relationship with them.

Instead, Do Act Unbothered Around Them

If you are forced to be around your loved one’s toxic significant other, try to ignore them the best you can. It’s hard to do, I get it. It seems like the more you try to do this, the more they’ll try to provoke a reaction out of you, especially if they’ve been able to catch a rebuke from you before. But, by staying out of it, you’ll give them as little ammunition to use against you as possible.

If you’ve not heard of the grey rock method, it’s a common way of protecting yourself from toxic individuals. It involves responding to a toxic person with short, boring statements and showing no emotion while speaking to them. This will rob them of achieving their goal, which is to get a rise out of you that they can further use to isolate your loved one from you.

Is the grey rock method easy to put into practice? It can be a struggle at first, but you’ll be able to get the hang of it. I highly recommend Reels by Jefferson Fisher on Instagram or Facebook for tips on how to navigate conversations with narcissists. He does a fantastic job of providing easy to remember phrasing for when you’re faced with common tactics toxic individuals use.

Don’t Give up Hope

If your loved one has been in this toxic relationship for a while, it will test your faith. If you’re a fellow believer, you have probably prayed for months or years on end for your loved one to see the light, to realize how negatively this relationship is affecting their life. It may even be to the point where you’re questioning God, wondering why He isn’t intervening, why He isn’t revealing the truth of the situation. After all, He promises to bring all darkness to light (Luke 8:17).

But please don’t give up hope. God hears your cry.

Do Keep Seeking God’s Help

It may not seem like it now, but God can and will redeem this situation in His time. While praying for my loved one to escape their toxic relationship, I waited on God for four long years. At last, one day, He revealed that the abuser was cheating on my loved one and my loved one made the decision to end the relationship with them.

Looking back now, I know that God’s hand was on this situation the entire time. Though my loved one was subjected to verbal and mental abuse, they only endured minor physical abuse. They were never married to or had children with their abuser, so they are blessed to be able to say this person is now totally out of their life. It could have been a lot worse, and I thank God for protecting my loved one during this time in their life. I thank God for allowing my relationship with my loved one to mend. And I thank Him that my loved one found their happily ever after with someone who truly loves them.

So, even though it doesn’t seem like it now, there’s hope that your loved one will see the light of the situation soon. Don’t give up on being the light of Christ to them while they’re still navigating the dark. ❤

Talk to Me, Arrowheads!

Have you or has someone you love ever been in a toxic relationship? What further advice would you like to share concerning how to be there for someone who is experiencing one? Please share your wisdom in the comments!

Aim high, stay strong, and always hit your mark.

-Allyson 😀