There are many aspects about writing life that many non-writers just don’t get. Chances are, you’ve suffered through awkward conversations with someone about writing, your books, or your career as an author.
Why can’t people just mind their own business and not say rude or inappropriate things?
No one knows for sure. But, we as writers can have a little fun and snap these savage comebacks at them from the confines of our minds!
1. The Narcissist
PERSON: Oh, you write books? Can you write my biography?
WRITER: *Blank stare* And what have you done with your life that is so grand and deserving of one?
2. The Non-Reader
PERSON: Oh, you write books. That’s cool. I don’t read.
WRITER: I know. I could tell by your spelling on Facebook.
3. The “Genius”
PERSON: [Your name here], how do you spell [word]? *Points to someone else who spelled the word* Tell them they’re stupid. I know you’re such a Grammar Nazi, being a writer and all. Ha!
WRITER: Spelling and grammar are two different things, you buffoon.
4. Captain Judges-A-Lot
PERSON: You’re a writer? *Looks down their nose at you* That explains it.
WRITER: You’ve got assumptions? That explains it.
5. The Nosy Ned
PERSON: Your Kindle book is 99 cents? How much do you even make off that?
WRITER: Less than you owe in credit card debt, big guy.
6. The Lazy Student
PERSON: Do you want to write my English paper for me?
WRITER: Why do you assume that would be fun for me? I’ve graduated.
7. The Gold-Digger
PERSON: You write books? Give me some of those millions you make.
WRITER: I’d love to see those millions I make.
8. The Trad-Pub Snob
PERSON: Self publishing? Isn’t that, like, fake?
WRITER: *Holds up their book* Well, they ain’t printing shoe boxes.
9. The “Proud Supporter of Entrepreneurial Efforts” Who Borrows Your Book
PERSON: Oh, you wrote a book? Wow, it’s $12? Wait, didn’t [friend] buy it? I’ll just borrow it from her.
*A few months later*
PERSON’S EMOJI-FILLED FACEBOOK MESSAGE: Hey [writer’s name here], I’m exploring this new entrepreneurial opportunity selling makeup. Our basic kit is only $50. Would you be interested?
WRITER: Nah, I think [friend] bought it. I’ll borrow it from her.
10. The Wannabe Center-of-Attention
PERSON: *Bats eyelashes* Am I a character in your book?
WRITER: You’re the fly the main character smacks on page 30. Now shoo.
11. The Job Snob
PERSON: I know you write books, but what’s your real job?
WRITER: People like you testing my patience.
12. The Hard Worker
PERSON: You write books? *Sarcastic tone* Wow, you work hard. Sitting at a desk typing on a computer all day must be exhausting.
WRITER: Don’t you work in an office?
I hope y’all liked these comebacks as much as I enjoyed writing them. Please keep in mind that these are not meant to be recommendations for what to actually say to people who have said ignorant things about writing. Instead, they are just meant to be fun quips for writers to keep in their minds when dealing with situations like the ones above.
Talk to Me, Arrowheads!
Which situation above do you most relate to? What Writer Comebacks have you come up with? Share in the comments!
Aim high, stay strong, and always hit your mark.