And now, since On the Flip Side is now out into the world, we’re back to our regularly scheduled programming!
Recently, I’ve been thinking a lot about, and trying to heal from, ugly things people have said to me. I’ve always been told I’m overly sensitive or that I take things too personally. When I was younger, teachers or school staff chimed “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” when my classmates or I experienced someone saying something rude to us or about us, assuring us that words don’t matter.
The thing is, as God has recently revealed to me, that phrase is not biblical.
Now let me show you why it isn’t, and why this phrase is actually harmful for children who have experienced verbal bullying.
Where’d This Phrase Come From, Anyway?
The phrase “Sticks and Stones” is so popular that, evidently, it has its own Wikipedia page. From what I found there, the phrase began an old children’s rhyme. Google suggests that it started circulating in the mid-19th century. From there, it was repeated often in different texts throughout English-speaking countries. The adage has been passed down for decades upon decades ever since.
According to God’s Word, Words Actually Hold the Power of Life and Death
“Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.”
-Proverbs 18:21, ESV
According to Proverbs 18:21, words hold immense power. Words can either build others up with encouragement and be life-giving, or tear others down, helping Satan in his mission to steal, kill, and destroy.
So, to say that “words will never hurt me” is a blatant lie, and one we as Christians should stop repeating. Especially to children.
You May Be Thinking: “You’re Being Too Dramatic, Allyson. It’ s Just a Harmless Phrase.”
Is it, though? The Bible tells us otherwise.
“I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak, for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.”
-Matthew 12:36-37, ESV
By perpetuating the idea that words don’t matter, and passing this message along to each new generation, we are contributing to a society where the majority of people think it’s okay to say anything that pops into their minds.
Yes, here in the United States we have the freedom of speech, and I am not in opposition of that practice. What I am opposed of, however, is the perpetuation of false theology based on secular ideologies that ends up harming people in the process. Because “anything” includes words that are spoken with the intent to destroy others.
As noted in the verses above, when we pass away, we will be judged for every word we’ve ever spoken. Verse 37 tells us that our words will either justify us or condemn us. That is not something we should take lightly.
If We Claim to Love Jesus, We Will Take His Word Seriously
Again, words hold the power of life and death. Psalm 119:105 tells us that, “Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.” In the same vein, 2 Timothy 3:16 goes on to say, “All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness…” So, to excuse the “Sticks and Stones” phrase as a harmless thing kids say to empower them against bullying is not “harmless”, but a direct violation of God’s word.
If we claim to love Jesus, we will take His word seriously. We won’t make excuses to make it more palatable for non-believers, for fear of being called a “Jesus Freak” or a “Bible Thumper”.
This is What God’s Word Tells Us Concerning How We Should Speak
“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.”
-Ephesians 4:29, ESV
“Whoever keeps his mouth and his tongue keeps himself out of trouble.”
-Proverbs 21:23, ESV
“If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person’s religion is worthless.”
-James 1:26, ESV
There are many more verses that could be included here, but these three drive these points home:
- We should build others up with our words, not tear them down.
- If we’re careful about what we say, it will help us stay out of trouble.
- We’re deceiving ourselves if we think we are lights of Jesus but don’t watch how we speak to others.
If we love Jesus, we’ll seek to encourage others, not tear them down with gossip or slander.
If we love Jesus, we’ll watch what we say so that we won’t fall into sin or tempt others to sin.
If we love Jesus, we’ll feel convicted when we do utter harsh or destructive words and will repent and ask for His forgiveness, as well as the forgiveness of those we’ve harmed with our words.
I’m not saying that if we love Jesus, we’ll never speak in a way that doesn’t honor God. We’re all imperfect humans and fall short of the glory of God, so that’s not humanly possible (Romans 3:23). What I’m trying to drive home is that if we love Jesus, we shouldn’t allow ourselves to live in complacency where we say whatever we want, when we want, and to whom we want to say it, no matter how vile, and don’t care about the negative consequences that come from it.
And if We Love Jesus, We Won’t Dismiss Toxic Behavior
Circling back to what I mentioned in this post’s introduction, at the time God revealed all of this to me, I had been thinking a lot about how the words certain people have said to me have affected my outlook on not just other people, but who I am as a person. Whenever I was younger, I’d hear the “Sticks and Stones” phrase and came to believe I was weak for allowing the words of others to hurt me.
I can’t be the only one who developed this cancerous belief.
You see, the “Sticks and Stones” phrase was originally intended to be an encouragement for the one who was being verbally bullied. The phrase was intended to help the victim encourage themselves, to believe in their own resilience, but in fact, the phrase does the exact opposite.
The phrase dismisses the toxicity of bullying and instead it becomes the victim’s responsibility to become okay with that.
And that, my friends, is not biblical either.
“Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them.”
-Ephesians 5:11, ESV
In chapter 5 in Paul’s letter to the Ephesians, he instructs the church that we are to walk in love. To walk in love, we must walk in accordance of God’s will, because He is love. Paul describes how we as Christians are to live our lives, including staying away from immorality and filthy communication. He warns us to not take part in unfruitful works of darkness (aka, anything God’s word instructs us to stay away from) and instead tells us to expose them.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but exposing someone does not equate with letting bad behavior slide.
Non-believers are one thing. They don’t follow God’s word because they don’t know God’s word, don’t have Jesus in their hearts, and don’t have The Holy Spirit to guide their hearts. Christians, on the other hand…
Some of the most hurtful things that have been said to me have been said to me by my brothers and sisters in Christ, and no one corrected them.
The thing is, we’re called to correct them.
“Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted.”
-Galatians 6:1, ESV
Granted, we aren’t supposed to hop on social media, tag the offender, and go off on a rant about how ugly and hurtful what they said was. No, instead, Galatians instructs us to correct our brothers and sisters in Christ in a spirit of gentleness.
How Do We Correct Others in a Biblical Way?
“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.”
-Matthew 18:15-17, ESV
The Biblical path of correction is as follows:
- Approach our brother and sister in Christ alone concerning the issue, and correct them gently. If you’re able to work it out, that’s fantastic! But if they are unrepentant and justify their unbiblical actions…
- Take one or two other brothers or sisters in Christ with you and talk to the offender again, so that there are witnesses to what is discussed and others who are correcting the offender in a biblical manner. If the offender is still refusing to acknowledge they are in the wrong…
- You are to take the matter to the church and allow them to handle it. If they still refuse to listen, part ways.
Well, What If They Think I’m Rude for Correcting Them?
This is also something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. I didn’t stand up for myself when I’ve had vile things said to me in the past, and I wish every day that I would have. I’ve wrestled with the question “is it unbiblical of me to say something, or would it just be rude?”
The thing is (and let’s just assume we’re talking about fellow Christians here), this person was rude when they made their statement. It doesn’t mean we should be intentionally rude back, but instead, like Jesus, we can still be firm and get our point across that they’ve crossed a line biblically.
“Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of the bones of the dead and everything unclean. In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness.”
-Matthew 23:27-28, ESV
Case in point, Jesus called the Pharisees hypocrites and whitewashed tombs because they consistently put on an outward appearance of being holy while not showing others the mercy and love of God.
Of course, the Pharisees thought He was rude because He called them out, but He wasn’t. Jesus was speaking the truth to them, out of love and through a warning. Since Jesus died for all of our sins, if only we believe in Him, admit we are a sinner, and confess our sins, we know that He does not wish harm to the Pharisees. Instead, He loves them to the point that He is willing to relay harsh truths to them so that, hopefully, they’ll take it to heart and examine their behavior. In these verses, He provides an example of how we can do the same when a Christian brother or sister speaks with ill intent to someone or ourselves and we can correct them out of love.
So, to sum all this up, my fellow Christians, putting our faith in the “Sticks and Stones” mindset isn’t healthy for children nor adults, but rather a toxic belief that we need to snuff out. Let’s not teach our children to let bad behavior from others in the church slide, but instead speak up, stand firm on the Truth of God’s word, and offer correction so that the church as a whole will come to better acknowledge and apply what the Bible says about our words. As Christians, we are to be the light of the world, not adding to its darkness. Let’s shine light on the darkness of allowing toxic speech to infiltrate and become the norm in the body of Christ.
Talk to Me, Arrowheads!
What are your thoughts on the “Sticks and Stones” phrase? Did hearing it growing up make you believe you were weak if mean-spirited words made you upset? Let me know in the comments!
Aim high, stay strong, and always hit your mark.
-Allyson 😀
